Sorry!

Sorry to my enormous group of readers out there, I've been extremely busy as of late so I haven't been able to catch up with the writings. But I shall be back sooner than you think! Like, probably tonight, or tomorrow. Here's a pic for your troubles:

My Top 5 Fears Explained: #4 Getting Old

4. Getting Old

Getting older sucks. I'm only 20 years old...not even old enough to legally grab a drink at the bar, but I can already tell how bad it's going to suck by the time I'm 30 or 40 or 50. While getting older does have its advantages, (i.e. people respect you more, you gain "dad strength" once you've had a kid, so on) I think I'd still rather stay the age I am now, maybe one or two years older.

Firstly, think about how boring our lives will be/are in our 30's. We've been out of college for anywhere from 6 to 10 years, so going to the local club down the street would just be awkward because all of the college guys and girls know that you're too old to fit in. And if you did go, the only reason any of the "hot college guys" would talk to you is simply because you're older. Old=experienced.

"I am getting so tipsy!"

We'll probably continue to cherish those memories from our previous years, when we were young and invincible. We can do crazy shit and get away with it when we're young. If I drank as much as I do now when I'm 36, people will just call me an alcoholic, but now it's considered to be completely normal. And it's not even the amount of alcohol consumption that I'm worried about...it's the food I eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

As we progress in age, our body's overall health begins to decompose, slowly but surely. Soon enough we have to start worrying about high blood pressure, fatty acids, and the works. Now I can go and literally eat whatever I want. 14 oz steak with a baked potato and fried veggies, tall Bud Select and 8 dinner rolls, followed by a chocolate lava cake? No big deal. If my grandfather had the same meal, he'd quite possibly have a heart attack and die (God forbid.)

"This tastes like paper. Everything tastes like paper. Kill me now."

Not only are the internal health risks no fun, but we're all destined to get fat with age. As our bones become more frail and our joints filled with more calcium buildup, we become less and less mobile. We no longer have the metabolism or physical ability to lose any type of weight we put on. The only thing our digestive system is capable of digesting at this point in time is hope.

Even now there are things I regret not doing in high school and my earlier years. I regret not trying a little bit harder during football, not asking Sally to the prom, and so on. Regret is something we begin to pile up on our shoulders from a very young age. I personally think that we begin regretting things pretty hardcore around 18 years of age, and that continues until the day we're too senile to know the difference between good and bad.

"We'll never regret this (awesome) decision!"

Now think about how 50 years of regret feels on an already frail individual. I'm already concerned about paying bills, a house mortgage, car payments, and my kid's school...I don't think I could deal with watching Friday Night Lights and come out in a positive mood. When we're young, we don't always make the wisest of decisions, but to me it's the lack of decision that will end up hurting the most.

Our attitudes, and the way we see the world and other people, are flipped completely upside down when we get old. We lose tolerance for "kids" doing "dang kickflips on the sidewalk again." We don't think things are funny anymore, like we used to when we were young. Try watching Old School with your grandparents and tell me how many times they laugh. The answer will always be somewhere between O and "Now why would they tie cinderblocks to their private areas, that just ain't right! You kids make the most irresponsible decisions sometimes! By golly if I would have done something so dumb, my daddy woulda given me 20 lashin's!"

"I don't understand what this means, but it sure makes the kiddos laugh!"

I can only hope that by the time I'm 40, I'm married to my beautiful wife, I'm rich, and in good health for my age. My kid/s will be superstar atheletes, and/or the prettiest girl at school. By the time I'm 60, my kid/s will be succesful and still loving enough to understand that if I'm ever diagnosed with alzheimers that I'm just being "silly grandpa." I'm still not too sure what age I'm not looking forward to the most: early to mid 40's, or late 60's. I think 60's - 70's will be a little better, because I'll just be able to relax and wait to die.

Early to mid 40's could be depressing, especially if I'm not where I expect to be by then. And if I'm single, so help me God...

"We're still single AND sexy!"

...I'd rather not, but thanks.

My Top 5 Fears Explained: #5 The Dark

One of my most favorite topics to discuss with people I've just met is what they're scared of the most. While some find it a little creepy that my primary interest in a new friend is what terrifies them, I just feel that it's one of the easiest ice-breakers ever. Here I will discuss what my Top 5 Fears are, and try to give a little insight as to why, exactly, because the reasoning is probably not what you'd think.

5. The Dark

Although I'm 20 years old, one of my fears from my childhood has carried over to my adult life; the dark. It's something we must all face each and every day of our lives, unless you live at one of the extreme poles of our planets in which you are sometimes faced with 40 fucking nonstop days filled with darkness! Fortunately for me, being a Texas resident, I get roughly 12 hours of daylight every other 12 hours. Some may ask, "Why are you still afraid of the dark? What are you, 8 years old?" In response to this, allow me to flip you the middle finger and explain what's so scary about the dark. Imagine if all you could see, right now, was this:

At this point, you can still hear, feel, smell, and quite possibly the worst of all, taste things. But, without any vision, we can't really be too sure what exactly it is we're tasting. Sure, you know what a hot dog with ketchup smells, feels, and tastes like. However, without actually seeing a hot dog in your hand, who knows what you could really be chewing on. That is, unless you've actually tasted human flesh before.

For me, I suppose, it's just the absence of vision that's terrifying. I'm the type of person that likes to know exactly where I'm standing at exactly that moment, plus what's surrounding me if I'm forced to make a quick escape. (for untold reasons, of course.)

I also like to know who's around me at all times. Not necessarily names, but faces, sexes, heights, weights and races (if they're strangers). While it may seem contradicting, I'm not scared of burglars at all, I'm only terrified if I know that I'm in a situation in which one could surprise-attack me from behind.

Look out behind you, there's a fucking deer exploding through the wall!

If I'm not fully under control of a situation, I tend to feel weak and powerless. The darkness seriously impairs everyone, because unless you're either A) a ninja or B) a NAVY SEAL with some high-tech night vision, then you can be played a fool of by something as inanimate as a chair. We've all stubbed our toes before, and how bad did that bitch hurt? Sure, it's only a chair, but whenever we can't see, a chair can be just as deadly as a bazooka-wielding 4 year old child.

Pictured: The Darkness, not to be confused with the darkness.

There are just too many invariables involving the dark, or "the unknown," that scare the hell out of me. I've managed to not sleep without any kind of night lights since age 10, although there are times today when I just don't look up from the pillow...because you never know when Bernie Mac and Tupac are going to be standing there, tea bagging the shit out of you.