My Top 5 Fears Explained: #4 Getting Old

4. Getting Old

Getting older sucks. I'm only 20 years old...not even old enough to legally grab a drink at the bar, but I can already tell how bad it's going to suck by the time I'm 30 or 40 or 50. While getting older does have its advantages, (i.e. people respect you more, you gain "dad strength" once you've had a kid, so on) I think I'd still rather stay the age I am now, maybe one or two years older.

Firstly, think about how boring our lives will be/are in our 30's. We've been out of college for anywhere from 6 to 10 years, so going to the local club down the street would just be awkward because all of the college guys and girls know that you're too old to fit in. And if you did go, the only reason any of the "hot college guys" would talk to you is simply because you're older. Old=experienced.

"I am getting so tipsy!"

We'll probably continue to cherish those memories from our previous years, when we were young and invincible. We can do crazy shit and get away with it when we're young. If I drank as much as I do now when I'm 36, people will just call me an alcoholic, but now it's considered to be completely normal. And it's not even the amount of alcohol consumption that I'm worried about...it's the food I eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

As we progress in age, our body's overall health begins to decompose, slowly but surely. Soon enough we have to start worrying about high blood pressure, fatty acids, and the works. Now I can go and literally eat whatever I want. 14 oz steak with a baked potato and fried veggies, tall Bud Select and 8 dinner rolls, followed by a chocolate lava cake? No big deal. If my grandfather had the same meal, he'd quite possibly have a heart attack and die (God forbid.)

"This tastes like paper. Everything tastes like paper. Kill me now."

Not only are the internal health risks no fun, but we're all destined to get fat with age. As our bones become more frail and our joints filled with more calcium buildup, we become less and less mobile. We no longer have the metabolism or physical ability to lose any type of weight we put on. The only thing our digestive system is capable of digesting at this point in time is hope.

Even now there are things I regret not doing in high school and my earlier years. I regret not trying a little bit harder during football, not asking Sally to the prom, and so on. Regret is something we begin to pile up on our shoulders from a very young age. I personally think that we begin regretting things pretty hardcore around 18 years of age, and that continues until the day we're too senile to know the difference between good and bad.

"We'll never regret this (awesome) decision!"

Now think about how 50 years of regret feels on an already frail individual. I'm already concerned about paying bills, a house mortgage, car payments, and my kid's school...I don't think I could deal with watching Friday Night Lights and come out in a positive mood. When we're young, we don't always make the wisest of decisions, but to me it's the lack of decision that will end up hurting the most.

Our attitudes, and the way we see the world and other people, are flipped completely upside down when we get old. We lose tolerance for "kids" doing "dang kickflips on the sidewalk again." We don't think things are funny anymore, like we used to when we were young. Try watching Old School with your grandparents and tell me how many times they laugh. The answer will always be somewhere between O and "Now why would they tie cinderblocks to their private areas, that just ain't right! You kids make the most irresponsible decisions sometimes! By golly if I would have done something so dumb, my daddy woulda given me 20 lashin's!"

"I don't understand what this means, but it sure makes the kiddos laugh!"

I can only hope that by the time I'm 40, I'm married to my beautiful wife, I'm rich, and in good health for my age. My kid/s will be superstar atheletes, and/or the prettiest girl at school. By the time I'm 60, my kid/s will be succesful and still loving enough to understand that if I'm ever diagnosed with alzheimers that I'm just being "silly grandpa." I'm still not too sure what age I'm not looking forward to the most: early to mid 40's, or late 60's. I think 60's - 70's will be a little better, because I'll just be able to relax and wait to die.

Early to mid 40's could be depressing, especially if I'm not where I expect to be by then. And if I'm single, so help me God...

"We're still single AND sexy!"

...I'd rather not, but thanks.